A Letter To My Barber

By Phorid

Phorid is an artist but she also writes letters to companies that make her cross and then sends them to us because we think they’re funny. In her latest edition she’s drawing attention to the age old problem of hairdressers having opinions. No offense hairdressers, I know you have opinions, but I’m with Phorid on this one – ‘trust me I’m a hairdresser’ isn’t something I want to hear. I’ve got eyes, I trust them.

Dear Sir/Madam of the keratin-strand-scissor-wielding business,

Since I moved here some 4 years ago I have changed a lot in my life. One being my haircut.
The first decision I made to have it cut short was on a visit to your establishment.

Did you know one of your hairdressers told me “you would look like a man if you had it cut short because your nose is quite large”


Well he did.

I don’t know if it made him feel better about himself

he was rather ugly.

The thing is

my nose isn’t actually that big.

That is not a statement of denial.

Many of the people who walk around this country happen to carry the ancestral genes of the romans, vikings, saxons, normans

and therefore

I am adorned with a mildly roman kink in my dorsal hump (along with a narrow lateral nasal cartilage)

Dorsal hump highlighted in blue

fig. 1. Dorsal hump highlighted in blue

Please refer to figure 1 for the anatomy of the nose.


Since deciding to never come back to your arsedick establishment I’ve gone elsewhere and had my haircut short.

and you know what?

I look shit hot.

It’s maximised my sexual interactions.


I look shit hot.


Being the age I am and being the friendly type, I talk to people a lot.

Over 4 years there have been quite a few times when friends have been looking for somewhere to go to get their haircut.

I’ve told them not to come to you.

You’ll be pleased to know I’m leaving soon.

Maybe you’ll get more customers then. You know a lot of people are afraid of hairdressers bitching about them?

At least he said it to my face.
Take it into account.

Take your judgements

your insults

and place them firmly

in the follicle roots that reside in the crack of your arse and have a good day.

Yours shavenly


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