Melanie May has been a beloved part of the KnockBack family since the beginning. She’s like a rarely seen aunt from Canada, or the lady who works in the launderette.

Melanie thinks that starsigns are a simple and effective way to explain almost anything, from sandwiches to semantics. She’s been kind enough to glance up into the heavens to produce this year’s guide to life. You should know that we / she takes this very seriously indeed.

Have a great year, be well, get the job done.

Welcome to 2015 from Melanie May and all on team KB.

 

AQUARIUS
You’re a long-playing record. This year is about pressing pause on your repeat button and doing something for yourself. You won’t though, and you will accuse someone of recording you off the radio, like last year.

 

 

 

PISCES
Getting your feet nibbled won’t make you softer, just more uptight.

 

 

TAURUS
Get your head out the soil and into the real world. Stubborn cunt

 

 

ARIES
Talking about war is not going to get you laid.

 

 

 

 

GEMINI
Tell the truth this year, and you might make a friend that ‘likes’ you.

 

 

 

 

CANCER
Marie Berry, Marie Curie or Marry.

LEO
Get a new bed, yours is full of fur balls. It used to be cool, but that was in 1997.

 

 

 

 

VIRGO
Single? Let’s see if you can keep your legs closed this year. Not single? Do it anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LIBRA
2015 is not your year, but don’t let that stop you.

 

 

 

SCORPIO
There will be no sexual innuendos this year, not even one.

 

 

 

SAGITTARIUS
Stay away from caffeine and cocaine, and you might stop shitting yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

CAPRICORN
You buy a new cagoule as you worry about the weather, it’s bright and colourful like your personality, but you make a hole in the pocket and it annoys you.
It gets worse over the year.