STH’s (Sexually Transmitted Humans)

By Marie Berry

I’m in my 30’s and I’ve been married for 4 years now, so people are totally comfortable asking ‘when will you have babies?’ which I always find a bit strange because it feels like they’re saying ‘tell me about your fanny’

Eww fanny.

My replies vary in length, with a direct correlation between time and booze, the drunker I am the more I enjoy talking about it.

The short answer is

Quarter past never.

I don’t like the noise, the smell or the financial implications. I think the world is run by brutal pigs who will ultimately destroy it, and I am a loner. Being married is just about manageable because Mr Berry doesn’t mind that I go into hiding for weeks at a time. I am an introvert, I prefer the company of no one and if I spend too long surrounded by people I get frustrated and belligerent. I’m a bit of a prude and in my experience you have to be so comfortable talking about poop, womb juice and random bodily functions that no place (the dinner table, dude?) and no ear is sacred. I am fastidiously tidy, I don’t like chores, I get cross with people who don’t say please or thank you and the last time I checked, kids are messy and ungrateful until their twenties (at best).
Twenty years tidying up after someone who will ultimately find me a bit embarrassing and (if my STH was a girl) hope they’re nothing like me?

Last year my mum fell off her bike and broke her shoulder so I went to their house a few times to do the things she couldn’t manage, like hoovering and ironing and cleaning the bathroom. Every time I went over the outpouring of gratitude was overwhelming and I thought, jesus, she did all this shit for my brother and I for over 18 years. I don’t remember ever once saying thank you. We literally used to chuck our dirty clothes in the corridor and they’d come back washed and folded a few days later, like a hotel service. Fuck that for a way to pass the time.

People always say that once you have kids your life changes completely. But I put a lot of time and energy into making my life how it is now, so changing it completely seems like a terrible idea.

The only reason I would consider getting knocked up, would be to make these jokes.

1. This photo with the caption:
Look what Josh made when I was asleep.


2. This photo with the caption:
My beautiful new baby, Bernard Sinclair Jesus Jones.


During the pregnancy if people asked me about names, I would tell them my short list:

For a boy
Totally Mexico

For a girl

I actually really like the sound of Oreo Jones….

Since I have just ruined the punchlines of my best pregnancy jokes, my biological triangle can piss off.

Don’t let that stop you asking me about my uterus though. No seriously, my having unprotected sex is totally your business and I quite enjoy it when people delve into their conversational treasure troves and dig up such wonders as

‘but you’d be a great mum’
a) I probably wouldn’t
b) I’d be a great surf board too if I was made out of… Wait, what are surfboards made out of?
c) I’d rather be a great writer who goes on great holidays and wears great shoes

‘you’ll change your mind when you’re older’
If I do it’s because my mind has been addled by age and hormones and you shouldn’t let me have babies because I’ll probably leave them in a supermarket or accidentally store them in the fridge (like my phone and my keys)

‘It’s different when they’re your own’
Yeah, I know, I can’t block my ears and go LA LA LA until they leave

‘Please have babies, I want you to have babies’
Have your own fucking babies, and don’t ask me to baby sit, I’m busy.
(Yes I do count staring into space as being ‘busy’)

New parents are like 13 year-olds with crushes, they can’t think about anything else, they can’t talk about anything else, all their conversations go straight back to the baby and they glaze over if the topic ever veers into ‘grown up’ territory. I’ve also noticed that new parents can’t deal with current affairs, bad news or climate change, which is another (not actually) interesting side affect to STHs.

I know this post will be unpopular with the mums who will fight to the death defending their decision to have kids. I’ll fight you, but you’ll win because you’ve got that self assured righteous indignation super power that comes from having a person popped out of your hoo ha (also you’ve got those big strong mum arms and I’ve got a hangover).

Congratulations, by the way.

Having said all that, I stopped taking the pill because it makes me angry and hungry and it’s chummy with cancer. So one day I might be eating my words and my hat, covered in pickles with a side of fries.
Watch this space*

*points to crotch.

8 thoughts on “STH’s (Sexually Transmitted Humans)

  1. I am 29 years old. Every cunt I know is making more cunts with their cunts and I don’t get invited to hang out with them anymore because I don’t have a life partner, a mortgage or a baby. I don’t really want to hang out and talk about babies and marriage but I also don’t want to be left out of things. Currently my hormones and ego are making me believe I want to have a kid, but if I did have a kid I wouldn’t be able to write this comment in a 5 star hotel, in Valencia, chain smoking Lucky Strike in my pants which need a wash. You are the voice I needed to hear today to make me turn the lights on and look at Valencia from my window.

  2. I’m a mum of two and I completely agree with you. Don’t let anyone change your mind or make you feel your choices are weird. Kids are a pain in the arse. And yes, they change your life for ever. You can’t make spontaneous decisions like bugger off for a last minute holiday (school gets in the way – don’t get me started), you can’t stay in the pub past 8 (cos kids never see drunk people?) and before you know it you find yourself having a fish finger sandwich for tea and thinking it’s completely acceptable!
    I love my two (obviously) but I miss the days of doing exactly as I please. Perhaps I’m just selfish. The days of going to the loo when you need to, having a HOT cup of tea and no one screaming in your face or telling you that you look ‘baggy’.
    I love my kids. I really do!

  3. Lauren’s mum says

    Who wants to be a granny anyway? I love retirement, don’t have to be responsible for anything. Hooray!

  4. I have 7. I got you covered. They’re ok I guess, but it’s even better now they’re older and I can go on vacations without them. My arms would be stronger if I could afford to go to a gym or spa once in a freaking while. I’d chat with you more but I have to take my brilliant, smart, strong offering to gymnastics. But you can’t make me sit with the other moms.

  5. Thank. Fucking. God for this article. I’m a single thirty year old woman living in small town Ireland and am sick of being reduced to a number/womb down the pub. Sexually transmitted humans… I’m stealing this term for next time some drunk red faced fat arsehole asks me why I don’t have a man/kids at 30. Thanks again

  6. Brilliant – haha you made me laugh! It’s always great to hear someone speak freely about not wanting children because (unlike a lot of women who can’t quite grasp the concept of birth control) for you it’s a choice.

  7. rewarding yadda yadda regrets yadda yadda such a special time yadda yadda
    More interestingly Surfboards are made of foam and fibreglass.
    Or sometimes epoxy resin.

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