By Catherine Mann
We’ve all been there – apathetic sex life sagging under the weight of box sets to watch. Need a solution? Consider role play. Nothing gets my motor running more than a trip to the back of the wardrobe, but the more traditional options are just degrading.
As a teenager my school uniform was the straight jacket of oppression – and unflattering. Donning the old blazer and boater aged 30 would take me back to a darkened locker room I vowed never to return to, and make me about as randy as a panda. The French maid has a troublesome power dynamic and can only be rendered in the cheapest of fabrics. I wouldn’t make it out rash-free in either a real (poly-cotton) or Anne Summers (poly-poly) maid’s outfit. After careful thought and experimentation I have hit on three erotic figures to ape that will drive your partner wild, while giving you the warm glow of empowerment. Just thank me when you have raging cystitis.
Inspiration: The Wicker Man, anyone in shops that sell crystals.
Materials: old sheet, rope, greenery (can be stolen from local park), candles.
The Pagan Priestess is a wild woman, she wants your body AND your soul. Abandon modern confections such as hair removal and text messages; studies show that the musky scent from public hair is a powerful aphrodisiac, not to mention a money saver in these times of austerity. Ensure your partner awakes the morning of the tryst with a note penned on their skin (I used beetroot juice and a match – but an old Biro will do) that declares your intentions: “I need your essence! Tonight the moon is ripe – you must sacrifice your effluvia to the goddess of fertility!” I followed this up with a reassurance that I had taken my pill. Prepare the room – strew the stolen leaves on the floor and bed, light a candle and don the sheet (cut a hole for your head. And crotch) and draw a pentagram on your stomach. The night is now yours High Priestess!
Inspiration: Now 31.
Materials: already in your bag.
Sadly for some, the 90’s are back. Not sadly for me – I never bothered buying new clothes, still have a CD player and stuck with the haircut (you know the one, like Anna off This Life). Remind your lover of the heady days when women flicked V signs and wanted a shag all the time. Despite a wealth of icons to choose from (Louise Wiener, Ginger Spice) I believe that Courtney Love is the way forward – plus it’s a piece of piss to pull off. On the bus home, rip your tights, smear your make up all over your face, drink 2 cans of G&T and text your lover – tell them to get f-ing ready – you need a fix. Don’t make me over…..
Filthy Conceptual Artist
Inspiration: Google Sarah Lucas.
Materials: pens and tears.
Perhaps the easiest role and perfect for the partner who insists they were definitely at the Sensation show (even if they were 11 when it was on). Leave your bed as it is (Emin-esque), take the day off work and really get worked up about something. Cry. For the act itself, sigh, do it, then doodle some of the positions on a pillow case.